Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
