I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
