I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
