last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
