First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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