i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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