Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
