Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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