We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
