dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
