weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
