During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
