Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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