i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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