haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize