you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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