I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
