I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my shit smells like andre
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
