I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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