I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
