I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
