pop tarts are not kleenex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
