i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
