When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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