So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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