I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
