Can Purell be used as lube?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
