I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
