So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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