I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
