You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
