So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
