the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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