We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
