I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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