I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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