why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
