i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
