He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
