there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
