I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
