i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
