After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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