One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize