why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you win again, gameday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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