Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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