I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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