Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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