dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
