you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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