the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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