Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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