The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
