I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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