im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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