Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Houston, we have a blender
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
